Business Writing

Editing your message--A final point to consider:

Total Sentence Rebuild (TSR)

Sometimes a sentence has too many ideas thrown together. This can be seen when:

• the meaning is not clear
• the sentence has too many words (25+)
• there are very few verbs
• the verbs are weak
  

e.g. (From a local government report)

X--"The costs to be taken into account are the costs of mains, sewers, treatment works and other capital works including costs directly incurred by water or sewerage companies in developing supply sources in environmentally sensitive ways and in minimizing the pollution caused by waste water disposal."--X

• the meaning is unclear
• it is far too long (46 words)
• there is only one main verb: are. The sentence contains an infinitive--to be-- and a lot of words that look like verbs (taken, including, incurred, developing, minimizing and caused) but are participles. This fact alone (excessive participles) indicates that TSR is needed.
• The main verb is weak and does little to show what the sentence is doing

1) Identify the ideas in the sentence. Make a list in the right logical order.

• Costs to be taken into account.
• Costs of mains, sewers, treatment works and other capital works.
• Other capital works:
• a) developing supply sources in environmentally sensitive ways.
• b) minimizing pollution caused by waste water disposal.

2) Rewrite each idea as a separate sentence. Forget the original version.

• A number of costs need to be taken into account.
• These include the costs of mains, sewers, treatment works and other capital works.
• Capital works include:
• a) developing supply sources in environmentally sensitive ways.
• b) minimizing the pollution caused by waste water disposal.

3) Connect the sentences into continuous prose. Use link words or phrases to clarify the connections.

0--A number of costs need to be taken into account. These include the costs of mains, sewers, treatment works and other capital works. Capital works include:
a) developing supply sources in environmentally sensitive ways
b) minimizing the pollution caused by waste water disposal.--O

4) Check your new version for accuracy, brevity and clarity. Cut down lengthy expressions and replace long words with shorter ones.

OO--We must take a number of capital costs into account. These include the costs of mains, sewers, treatment and other investment, such as:
a) developing supply sources in environmentally sensitive ways
b) minimizing pollution from waste water disposal.--OO

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Creating a message
Editing Your Message(1)
Editing your message (2)
Confusion Zones